Developing a growth mindset
Carol Dweck, a researcher at Stanford University, believes if you want to succeed in any aspect of life, then you need to build a growth mindset. This is true in relationships. People with a growth mindset believe that their abilities and situations can be improved with effort, learning, and persistence. Holding fixed beliefs about your partner or your relationship will hold you back from making positive changes. View challenges within your relationship as opportunities to grow together. Remember that change is a constantly-occurring process over the course of our lives. Couples with a growth mindset are able to look at long-term goals and have a sense of purpose for their lives. They keep the goal of a healthy and connected relationship in mind, and always look at the big picture.
Just because your relationship has areas in need of improvement does not mean you have failed! This frustration means that you are aware and seeking to improve it. You’re just not quite there yet. The key word is yet. Couples who believe their relationships can be improved (through hard work, good strategies, and input from each other) have a growth mindset. They tend to achieve more of what they desire in a relationship.
This is not an organic process— this is an internally-motivated process. Developing a growth mindset is about learning and progress, and an awareness of the processes that yield these things, such as seeking help from others, trying new strategies (coming to therapy), and learning from setbacks to move forward effectively. In order to remain in a growth zone, we must identify and work on our relationship triggers.
Praising hard work and effort cultivates a growth mindset. Noticing when our partner is putting in effort working on the relationship helps the relationship to grow. When couples have a growth mindset, they take on challenges and learn from them, thereby increasing their ability to achieve the relationship they desire. This growth mindset is based on the belief that your basic qualities are things you can cultivate through your efforts. This can be accomplished by embracing the challenges in your relationship. Ask yourself, “What can I learn from this and how can I grow?”
Acknowledge that setbacks will happen and strive to persist in the face of setbacks. Setbacks are part of the life process and may provide new perspectives that couldn’t be seen from any other vantage point. Persist in the face of setbacks. See effort as the path to mastery. When we believe that effort is more highly regarded as organic, more possibilities for a successful relationship become the norm.
Be open to feedback. When listening to feedback, look for new information that can help you show up better for your partner. Avoid looking at feedback as negative or critical— look at feedback as accumulating new and important information. Feedback is a gift.
Find inspiration from the success of others. Look to others who have the type of relationship that you desire and find what they do well. Don’t compare your relationship to theirs, but rather look to find new information. When we view our relationship form a growth mindset, we can achieve higher levels of relationship satisfaction. Last but certainly not least, is the addition of the word yet to your vernacular. The word yet placed at the end of a sentence “I don’t have the relationship that I want, yet” opens up a stream of multiple possibilities of how your relationship could be in the future. Effort is the key and not natural ability.
Make your growth mindset a daily focus, and watch how your relationship can develop.
